As summer prepares to clock out, I think it’s only fair that we sit her down, close the office door and discuss her performance. Because, frankly, there have been concerns.
Attendance: Excessive. Summer has been here EVERY day. We appreciate the dedication, but sometimes less is more.
Temperature: Needs improvement. There is absolutely no reason I should be sweating through my makeup before I’ve even left the house. Setting spray can only do so much. At some point, we are asking Urban Decay to perform a miracle.
Parking in Rehoboth: Final written warning. We’ve had multiple conversations about this and have seen no improvement.
Jellyfish: Performance inconsistent. As discussed previously, guests should not be assaulted while attempting to enjoy company property. Please remain in your assigned area.
Seagulls: Strong initiative. Poor boundaries. You cannot steal someone’s french fry and then scream at THEM. Somehow, no corrective action has been taken.
Tourists: Mixed results. We appreciate your business, your enthusiasm and your commitment to stopping directly in the middle of the sidewalk as a family of seven to discuss where you parked. Please come back next year. Just maybe … scooch.
Locals: Morale improving rapidly. They can smell September. Some have reportedly made eye contact again.
Drag Queens: EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS. Obviously. While everyone else was melting, we were out here in tights, pads, wigs, lashes and rhinestones, wearing approximately three human beings’ worth of clothing in 90-degree weather. If you saw a drag queen outside this summer, just know she was fighting for her LIFE and still managed to hit the beat.
And somehow, despite the heat, traffic, jellyfish, parking and enough sweat to refill Silver Lake, it’s been a FANTASTIC summer. We survived. We made memories. We spent entirely too much money. We said, “I’m never leaving the house again,” and were back on Baltimore Avenue 45 minutes later.
So goodbye, Summer 2026.
You were hot.
You were messy.
You were expensive.
You made me sweat in places I didn’t know had pores.
And somehow, I’m going to miss you.
Which is disgusting.
Don’t tell anyone.
I’ll be back at Freddie’s Sept. 4 at 9 p.m., squeezing every last drop out of summer before somebody puts a decorative pumpkin on Baltimore Avenue. Be there!
I’ll see you out and about!
